I Talk Big Talk, But Really...

I have been thinking about this post for several weeks now. Or maybe I've been putting it off because writing it will force me to admit that I'm not as comfortable with my gayness, as I like to think and say I am. I've noticed lately that I am reluctant to have people close to me see the "clues" of my being gay. Which is strange because, for the most part, I have expressly told these folks that I am gay.

Example No. 1: A friend came over a few weeks ago. He noticed a DVD case for the movie I had been watching earlier in the day. It was one of my current favorites (I tend to have favorites that I watch over and over again). It was the 1990's film A Beautiful Thing. He was reading from the rear cover and then, I think, realized what it was and put it down. I was embarrassed later when I realized what he had been looking at. I had only half paid attention at the time. Now, I am certain this friend knows I am gay although he is one of a couple that absolutely doesn't want to know know. He doesn't want to hear about it, see it or talk about it. But even with that significant factor, I was a little surprised at myself for being bothered by it.

Example No. 2: The wife of my very best friend brought a DVD back she had borrowed. I didn't even know she had taken it. We have the kind of relationship where they are welcome to come borrow movies and such whenever they want. We are neighbors right now, and I was my buddy's young mens president for years, and kind of older brother he never had. They even lived with me for five months when they needed a little help. So, he knows practically everything about me. The wife knows lots through him although we've never really spoken about my being gay.

The movie she borrowed was Camp. Gay themed movie about kids at a performing arts camp. Kind of a cult hit from what I understand. I like it - it gets pulled off the shelf now and then - but don't love it. When she brought it back she said "it wasn't what I expected" and then we had a weird, kind of uncomfortable brief discussion about it. He sister-in-law (my friend's sister), who I don't think cares one bit that I am gay, was here, which added to the weirdness of it.

Example No. 3: Generic example. When people look at my DVD collection, I sometimes get asked about a movie like Anyone and Everyone, which is a PBS documentary about parents of gay children and the difficulties they faced in coming to grips with it. I'm always uncomfortable explaining what it is to people. Almost across the board.

[Side Note: My life does seem to revolve around movies - The DVD collection is at a ridiculous 300+ and growing. I intentionally don't do the math on the cost.]

I'm facing a Catch-22. I strongly believe that I'm gay, have always been gay and will always be gay. I want that to be an acknowledged part of my life. I do not want to be in people's face about it, any more than I want them to be in my face about their sexuality. But I don't want to feel ashamed. And although I find it very unlikely that I will ever have someone special in my life for a variety of reasons, I would want that to be accepted by my friends if I did.

However, I think I recognize how difficult it is for my friends to be comfortable with this part of my life. It's not meanness or bigotry or anything. It's just tradition and culture. And I love them all too much to give them up. That, I think, is the root of the discomfort I face.

Sorry this one is so long and rambling. My thoughts are all over the board, but I needed to get them down on paper, so-to-speak.