I Don't Think There Was a Specific "When" When I Knew

I've done some thinking about the concept of when I knew I was gay. That's a different question than when I was willing to admit to myself that I was gay. But both events were similar because neither of them took place in one "the-light-bulb-went-off" moment.

In retrospect, the first sign that I was different was the fact that virtually all of my sexual experimentation as a child, which began at age five or six, was with other boys. They were numerous, exciting and definitely something that held my interest. Cousins, neighbor boys, old family friends - I was always up for a little exploration. Looking back, I realize that I felt what I was doing was wrong, but not because it was with other boys. Rather because I knew that I wasn't supposed to do those things. Still, up until 11 or so, I didn't really think in terms of sex. I just knew the messing around I was interested in was always with other boys.

If I had to pick a specific time period when I first had a longing for someone, I would say it was when I was 11 and in 6th grade. There was a kid named Mark who I had gone to school with forever and who was in the other 6th grade class in my school. I do not remember thinking of him sexually, but I do know that I had a total crush on him; thinking he was very cute in the way that it seemed that my classmates were starting to think of girls. In junior high, I realized I was way more interested in the underwear ads for the boys than the girls. Not so much that I was aroused by it, but more drawn to it, like Mark in 6th grade.

That was the beginning. High school was filled with the same longings for other classmates and a heightened sexual tension that was released in laughingly furtive, fumblingly awkward interactions with other boys. Longings and interactions that I couldn't admit to anyone, or even to myself really, as I went to the dances and dated girls and talked about making out with the girlies and all the other things that a red-blooded, all-American Mormon boy was supposed to do.

Viewing all of this 25 years later, I think I would have had a sexual relationship with another guy in high school if I had been given the opportunity, interest by one of the objects of my affection and reasonable assurance that I wouldn't get found out. And then I would have felt such incredible, overwhelming guilt that I'm not sure what I would have done.