More nerdiness from Controllerone. I was so excited when I saw this in the Lego store. I have been waiting forever for a new set in the Architecture series and here it is. I finished it Thursday night, took it to work Friday morning and received a resounding “whatever” in response to my enthusiasm. Seems my colleagues don’t appreciate the thrill of a Lego White House.
Which brings me to my frustration with the Logo channel. It’s meant for the gay community (LGBT is the “proper” term I guess). And I can from time to time find a show or two I like. Beautiful People immediately comes to mind. But, frankly, there isn’t a whole lot there that interests me. I can definitely do without anything Ru Paul-related. Jeffrey and Cole Caserrole just plain leaves me bored and cold.
So, what’s wrong with me? I can’t even seem to do gay right. And I’m gay for sure. No doubt about that. It’s a source of frustration, even torment, for me. I don’t feel like I fit in the gay world. No desire to dress in drag – I like men’s clothes thank you very much. Not dying for drama. I’m not the world’s most manly man, but I don’t think I am particularly feminine acting at all. Other than being from a Mormon background, single and over 30, I don’t think I have a lot of apparently gay characteristics. It came as a surprise to most people to find out that I am gay. At least I think it did.
I don’t fit in the straight world either. I have absolutely no physical attraction to women. Some of my closest friends are women (there’s a stereotype for you), but nothing is less appealing to me than the ideal of intimacy with one of these lovely creatures. I’m not socially impossible, but I’m just not comfortable at social events. I will use practically any excuse to get out of them.
Here are some of my contradictions:
I like camping, backpacking and hiking, but I don’t like being dirty. Never have, even as a kid.
I like sports a lot, but have absolutely no coordination or talent.
I like to shop for clothes, but have surprisingly little fashion sense. (I’m not hopeless, but I do feel a little cheated on this one. Gay but no style. It’s like the lie about puberty. I thought once you survived it, zits went away forever. Ha!)
I am attracted to men, but the idea of doing the club scene is almost, almost, as distasteful as the concept of intimacy with a woman.
I’m sure that no one fits precisely into one camp or another (no pun intended), but I just feel so lost in limbo sometimes. Even as a teenager I felt the same lack of a place in the world. And, at the end of the day, isn’t that what all of use are looking for? Some sense of belonging, of finding our proper station. I have many fears, insecurities and frustrations, but on reflection, they really do all relate to the fact that I am 42 and still don’t know where I fit. My greatest fear is that I don’t fit at all.
Legos, and Logo and being Lost – oh my.
I watch Logo and like "Beautiful People" too! But the whole RuPaul drag queen thing has always escaped me as well, even now 2 years after coming out. I'm a guy, I like guys, why would I be interested in anyone who imitates what I'm not attracted to? I don't get it. And I think Jeffrey and Cole are kinda silly.
ReplyDeleteI know it's easy to say "don't worry about your perceived contradictions," and not as easy to do. But it really is true that there are as many ways to be gay as there are people. It's natural to want to fit in. But you don't have to fit the stereotypes. Don't give up hope. Keep searching till you find a way that works for you.
Ok, I just read this after church, and now I just happen to start watching a documentary called the "Butch Factor." Despite the funny name, I'm loving it so far. You should check it out... you can watch it streaming on Netflix.
ReplyDeleteLego
ReplyDeleteThe National Building Museum in Washington DC as an awesome Lego Architecture exhibit going on. Of course they were selling all of the current architecture series sets there.
Logo
I don't get Logo. I don't have cable. But the shows that I have seen from there I haven't really been able to get into them. They seem to be just as bad as regular TV only with gay characters. I don't even watch regular TV.
Drag
My fascination with the drag queen stuff is only because I have no idea what it's about. I completely don't understand it. At first I thought it was a sort of an LGBT buffoonery, but then that would be an insult to transgender people wouldn't it?
Gay identity
What Rob Said. Don't worry about it. The so-called "obvious gay traits" is a myth. I've notced, at least in the trendy gay comunity in the DC area is that the "gay triats" appear to be more of a rebellion of heternotmitive social norms. Some people have chosen to make what they think gay is as a sole identity.
I've always done my own thing and I still don't look gay. In fact it sort of bugs me that I don't get noticed by other guys. LOL!
I have been questioning my gayness pretty much my whole life. I've realized that: theres gay and theres GAY. Everyone is different. And that goes for the heterasexual people as well. Everyone has different sexual preferences. The straight community is pretty traditional in public but can be downright kinky behind closed doors. Where as, gay people have to jump out of the closet and reveal themselves to the world. Fully exposed you might say. Once you have to do that you might as well let it all hang out....lol. So you see all the gay "types".
ReplyDeleteI am alot like you in the way you have described yourself. One of the reasons it took me so long to realize I was gay is I didn't feel that I fit the "queer" definition I had learned from my "straight" enviroment.
I too, don't find much on LOGO that fits my personal interests, but it is educational in the sense I can see the diversity in gay people. I helps me to accept my personal differences.
The way I see it, fitting in is less trying to match your characteristics with others and more finding people who love your traits because they're yours.
ReplyDeletePeople with similar interests may get along better, but in the end, they most likely feel just as alienated as the next.
Rob - You undoubtedly have the right approach. But, like you point out, it's easier said than done.
ReplyDeleteEvan - I have Netflix and will definitely watch it. I don't think it was the same show, but I saw bits and pieces of a documentary on gay cowboys a while back. Really interesting and kind of funny.
TGD - I had no idea the museum existed. I've been thinking about a return to DC. I just love the Smithsonian. Big history buff. As for the drag thing, I have a fascination with it, but no desire to join in the "fun". I love Priscilla Queen of the Desert and To Wong Fu. Also, I did dress in drag once. A few friends and I dressed up as cheerleaders to support some other friends' ward basketball team when they made it to the regional finals.
Adonis - Yes, indeed, the most "normal" looking people have some surprisingly edgy things in their closets. Once, we I commented to my bishop about how I felt inadequate and downright evil compared to the others in my ward, he said "that's because you only see them in their Sunday best."
Twinky - Never heard it said quite like that, but you are right. Having some common interests is nice and naturally we all seek that since it makes social interaction easier and more comfortable, but I agree that when you find someone who accepts your perceived differences, even weirdness, you have the seeds of a strong, lasting relationship. I actually noticed, when I was a young mens president, that at least in Sacramento, California that is a weakness of your generation. So many of the young men I lead were completely unwilling to tolerate anything bothersome about their peers. As a result, they didn't seem to develop the friendships I did as a teen.