Absolutes

Insisting on absolutes has long been my downfall - a source of restlessness and misery in my life.  It is the reason why I can either support the church because I believe ALL its theology or reject it if ANY of its theology is untrue.  To my mind, if the LDS church is true and correct, it cannot, and should not, bend or waiver in its teachings to make me feel better about being gay.  If the LDS church is not completely true and correct, then it's teachings are merely the opinions of men and, no matter how well intentioned, can and should be accepted or rejected (in whole or in part) according to one's own belief and life circumstances.

This uncompromising approach made my spiritual life a nightmare for so very long.  I wanted to believe that the LDS church was true, that everything I had been taught from childhood was correct, but in my heart I had long held doubts.  Plus, I knew I was gay.  It was vey unomfortable.  Now that I have faced my doubts about the church and even the whole idea of the existence of god and have accepted that I'm agnostic, if not atheist, I'm much more content.  But my insistence on absolutes is safely intact.

This approach has an impact on all areas of my life, the most troubling of which is my inability to believe I have ever, EVER, tried hard enough.  I can honestly say that I do not believe that I have in any instance given my absolute best effort to any endeavor.  I think when most people say they tried their hardest, what they really mean is they reached the point where they had put forth their maximum effort in light of what they had internally determined to be the proper balance between effort and excess, not that it would be literally impossible to continue.  Not me!  I take the concept of giving my best effort very literally.  If I backpack 25 miles in a day, I haven't put forth my best effort if there is any possible way I could take one more step.  If I spend 12 hours at work, I could always have spent 13.  And so on.

It's a struggle for me.  I can't ever cut myself a break.  I can never bring myself to say, "boy, that was a real challenge" because in the back of my mind, I know somehow that I had it easier - that it could have been more challenging.  Am I alone?  Does anyone else experience this?  On an intellectual level, I know I'm not special enough to be the only person to walk this Earth with this mindset.  But when I look at those around me and their ability to accept that a maximum effort is a relative, subjective state, not a literal objective truth, I really do feel alone.