I start with the following assumption: To some extent, we are all very much alone. From the most popular among us, surrounded by family and friends, to the lone, lonely, loners like Sid the Sloth from Ice Age. While we all assume there's a certain general commonality to life, in the final analysis, all we actually really know is our own experiences. So, yes, it is likely that everyone feels some loneliness on some level at least some of the time. I think.
Still, a few days ago it dawned on me for the very first time how truly alone I was during those all-important formative teenage years. Now, don't misunderstand what I am saying. In many ways I was incredibly lucky. I had three siblings who, for the most part, treated me reasonably well. I often sigh and wonder over my parents' relationship, but they stayed together until my mother passed. And, perhaps most important during the teenage years, I had a surfeit of friends. It seemed like I was never without options, especially from 15 on.
I've mentioned the friends of my teenage years before. They were incredible. In many cases they remain in contact today, sometimes frequently so. My high school years would have been such a lesser experience without them. So lucky to have such good, caring people in my life then and now. No, a lack of friends wasn't the issue.
But I lacked that one friend who was like me on the inside. Gay. Now, statistically I know that there were plenty like "me" in my high school. But I'm talking about the middle 1980s. I can not think of one single person who was actually out and gay in my school. Gay people all lived in the City (San Francisco) and hung around bathhouses, parks, public restrooms and other locations of ill repute. Gays were all people of questionable character who wore leather and dresses. They certainly didn't exist in Straight White Boy High School planted smack in the middle of Every Suburb USA. Shoot, no one even masturbated, because that would make you gay too. So, I was left to date girls, force myself to hold their hands and, heaven forbid, grit my teeth and kiss them goodnight.
I've long understood that to survive in those times, I had to keep things boxed up inside. Still, until the last few weeks I didn't realize how much it hurt, how sad and lonely it was to be so uniquely alone with my feelings. I've posted before about some furtive sexual play with a friend or two, but that's not what I'm talking about. To this day, I don't believe that any of them were actually gay. Their focus remained clearly, unapologetically on girls.
It would have meant so much to have had just one gay friend who I could have talked to. Who I could have told about my feelings openly, without reservation. As silly as it might sound, it would've been nice to simply have someone with whom I could have shared my admiration for some of the incredibly handsome young men who populated my high school. Instead I was left on my own, and that loneliness made an unfortunate, even tragic impact on my life.
I'm glad to see that, to at least some extent, teenagers and young adults today have a much easier time finding gay friends to take away that loneliness.
And another thing, if the the Harley-Davidson Street 750 was out when I bought my bike 1 1/2 years ago, I think I would have purchased it instead. Liquid cooled heresy to HD purists, but I'm not one of those by any means. This bike is cool.
This is so true. My high school days were in the 1970s. And I even had friends then who it later turned out were gay. But there was no way we could have admitted that to someone else. I always felt cheated that I did not have the chance as a teen to date, kiss and fumble around with someone who I was actually attracted to. The few dates I had with girls my age were awkward, uncomfortable and not fun. Yes, it was very lonely to be a gay boy at that time.
ReplyDelete"Cheated". What a perfect way to describe it.
ReplyDeleteYeah there's some level of feeling cheated out of those experiences, no doubt.
ReplyDeleteIt was an uncertain time growing up in Texas of all places where I was a weird kid just for being Mexican and Mormon--the gay part while I knew it was there really didn't play any kind of active role--mostly due to religion. At the time anything having to do with being gay was in a negative context--thankfully times have changed and a lot of kids nowadays are being spared of that angst, I've often wonder where would my life be had I been more aware of myself and the world around me, it is likely that being naive back then spared me from a lot of grief but I also did miss on a lot of things, no doubt--great thoughts, thanks for sharing,
Hugs,Miguel