I've noticed a few posts lately touching on the physical part of being gay. I've appreciated the frankness of the opinions and observations expressed. They have got me thinking again about physical attraction and what an inexplicable thing it is. I've long considered a post on this subject, just to see if there are others who have similar feelings. So, here goes.
I find, and have always found, the thought of physical intimacy with a woman repulsive and, frankly, terrifying. It's not just that my attractions run to the same sex. I have an aversion to the concept of being intimate with a woman - even kissing one. It is so deep that I really have a hard time grasping how anyone can be bisexual.
The irony is that a friend of mine, with whom I was much closer in the past, just cannot understand how I can find the concept of sex with a male enticing. Nor does he understand how it is possible that I can't look at a beautiful woman and just melt. I've tried hard to help him get it. In fact, I've told him that I feel the same way about intimacy with a woman as he does about intimacy with a man. He just shakes his head and doesn't get it. In fact, I think that is one of several reasons why, while we are still friends, we are not really that close anymore.
Not that I hold it against him. I can't understand his attraction to women any better than he can understand my attraction to men.
So, anyone have similar feelings? How about the MOMs out there? That's one I really struggle with. While I don't accept the conservative religious view of homosexual relationships, I do truly admire the husbands and wives in MOMs that find some level of comfort and compatibility sexually. In fact, that's another example I have used with friends in the past: Imagine that the roles were reversed. You are attracted to members of the opposite sex, but God says you must have a relationship with a member of the same sex. Could you do it? The response is generally "no way" - although I did have one person tell me he was certain he could more or less force himself to be intimate with another male if that's what God said to do.
Sorry this is such a ramble. Not really something about which I've been able to really order my thoughts. Just wondering if my aversion to physical intimacy with the opposite sex is rare or common.
I find, and have always found, the thought of physical intimacy with a woman repulsive and, frankly, terrifying. It's not just that my attractions run to the same sex. I have an aversion to the concept of being intimate with a woman - even kissing one. It is so deep that I really have a hard time grasping how anyone can be bisexual.
The irony is that a friend of mine, with whom I was much closer in the past, just cannot understand how I can find the concept of sex with a male enticing. Nor does he understand how it is possible that I can't look at a beautiful woman and just melt. I've tried hard to help him get it. In fact, I've told him that I feel the same way about intimacy with a woman as he does about intimacy with a man. He just shakes his head and doesn't get it. In fact, I think that is one of several reasons why, while we are still friends, we are not really that close anymore.
Not that I hold it against him. I can't understand his attraction to women any better than he can understand my attraction to men.
So, anyone have similar feelings? How about the MOMs out there? That's one I really struggle with. While I don't accept the conservative religious view of homosexual relationships, I do truly admire the husbands and wives in MOMs that find some level of comfort and compatibility sexually. In fact, that's another example I have used with friends in the past: Imagine that the roles were reversed. You are attracted to members of the opposite sex, but God says you must have a relationship with a member of the same sex. Could you do it? The response is generally "no way" - although I did have one person tell me he was certain he could more or less force himself to be intimate with another male if that's what God said to do.
Sorry this is such a ramble. Not really something about which I've been able to really order my thoughts. Just wondering if my aversion to physical intimacy with the opposite sex is rare or common.
How you feel about being "with" a woman, I feel equally about being "with" a man.
ReplyDeleteI was telling a friend a few months ago that even if the Savior himself told me I had to be with a man, I would have to tell him "no". She said, "He would never ask that of you since He knows you are gay." Yep.
(That is why when my Stake President told me that I was "not gay", that I "should find a man, get married to him, have lots of sex, and live a normal life" (his exact words), I wanted to beat him up.) Now, if he had given those directives to a gay man... well, a much happier reaction, I am sure... LOL
Thanks for the comment SLP. I was actually hoping for a woman's perspective on the subject. I've always felt that it would be easier for a lesbian to "fake" heterosexuality than a gay man to do so. I have based that simply on the "mechanics" of the whole thing. I'm sure that is what your stake president was thinking right? Try it, you'll like it. But the revulsion and emotional pain that intimacy would cause would be just as traumatic for you wouldn't it?
ReplyDeleteYes- revulsion and emotional pain is EXACTLY right. It is not that I think men, per se, are revolting. It is just that I could never see myself being happily intimate with a man. Gropwing up, I tried doing the things that Church and society asked of me. I dated men. I kissed several. But, I could never get to the "next level" with any of them- I found myself feeling I would rather be dead than to be with a man. I did marry, for about 2 seconds. I knew if I stayed in a lie like that, in something I aboslutely was sickened by and with, I would blow my head off.
ReplyDeleteI still feel that way (rather be dead than married to someone of the opposite sex), although some of my best friends and associates are men. I just do not bond emotionally or physically with them. Heaven knows I have tried, but cannot and do no. And, when I read that in the afterlife, I will have my "gay issues" worked out, implying that I could then be "with" a man- well- if this is true, I may end up doing and saying some things to God that HE will probably not like! :)
Thank you for your thought-provoking post. And, for being understanding and sensitive to what and how I am feeling. I think you and I both understand how the other feels, dont' we? :)
I know exactly what you mean and it has a lot to do with the way that I figured out that I was gay. I went around before, through, and a couple of years after my mission wondering why I had no desire to kiss a woman. I thought that I was asexual because I didn't feel for men or women. Then one day I met a cute guy who started flirting with me and found myself flirting back.
ReplyDeleteHaving actually had physical contact with a man, the idea of being "with" a woman has only become more repulsive and uncomprehensible.
Hey man,
ReplyDeleteDifferent strokes or different folks, literally.
I kissed a few girls while dating them and I always felt the weirdness of not feeling the sparks, always chalked it up to not 'being the one'!. Having been in a MOM (even though she never knew she was in one, LOL!) I can tell you that I could go through the motions but I honestly never felt the intimacy that I had imagined; it wasn't that she wasn't pretty enough, or naughty enough in bed, it just never felt normal--Now bear in mind that I had nothing to compare it to at the time... now that I'm starting to be open to the idea to find what all that means, I can't wait to open the floodgates and discover if it is all as real as I have imagined--I believe I'm on he right track!!:-)
hugs,pl
I think it is certainly a personal thing. I've talked to a lot of guys who have that "repulsion" to female contact and intimacy, where other's just don't find it fulfilling. I think I fall in the second category. Whether that comes from "fake it till you make it" I don't know.
ReplyDeleteNot that I don't enjoy being close to my wife, but in all honesty I have and mostly likely will always feel like something is missing. I just try not to think about it and enjoy what I do have. The grass is usually greenest when you don't go digging it up.
I feel the same way. On my handful of opposite sex dates I could never get past the discomfort of simply hugging, let alone anything further down the line.
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine being physically intimate with a woman. I've gone as far as kissing and it grossed me out every. single. time. I love a good hug, but I think even cuddling with a woman would feel completely alien to me.
ReplyDeleteOk, it's time for an alternative view. I knew I was gay in about fifth grade. I also started to realize I was bisexual in high school when I french kissed my girl friend and BAMB there was defintely a physical confirmation that we could do more than kiss.
ReplyDeleteSo here's the deal. I enjoy making love to my wife but I also enjoy the company of my male friends. I find a select few of the women and the men I work with very attractive. Just today I found myself lingering in a hallway conversation with a beautiful young married woman. Yes, I'm old enough to be her father. She knows I'm married, but I found it very pleasant just to be near her physically, to enjoy her eyes, her smile, her hair, the whole package.
Similarly, though, I love excercising on my lunch hour with some of the guys I work with. We're in various states of nudity together, dressing and undressing, showing, shaving. Time in this male-only environment is always a highlight of my day.
So there you go. An alternative opinion from a man in a mixed orientation marriage. I've been as low as 2 on the Kinsey scale and as high as 5. I've never been at 0 or 6, so I guess that pretty much makes me Bi. To put it simply: I find some men and some women very attractive and am glad for the contact I have with such life-affirming people of both sexes.