Please don't misunderstand the point of this post. The recent effort to persuade young gays and lesbians that they need to give life a chance and just see if things don't improve is commendable. I fully support it. I think young people haven't lived enough of life to understand that there is almost always a peak for every valley; a crest for every trough. At least when you are young and haven't accumulated enough scars and mistakes to narrow your reality and eliminate options.
But, it is just that very narrowing and elimination of options that I have been pondering. Because the truth of the matter is that, at some point, most of us really do see our options limited. We are no longer young. We suffer from physical disabilities. People we might have loved are no longer here, or have made commitments elsewhere. Friends or family we might have made amends with have passed on. Mistakes and just plain stupidity limit what we can do.
I do not believe it is always possible to start over. It's possible that we have reached our maximum potential; seen our best days; bowled our best game; etc. No, I don't put much stock in statements like "there's always tomorrow" and "you can be anything you want to be." Platitudes and warm fuzzies in my book.
I feel like I'm there now. As the subtitle to my blog says (and was shamelessly stolen from the Jack Nicholson movie from the mid-90s): "What if this is as good as it gets?". How does one live with a life that, really, is a failure and will not realistically improve? I'm not trying to be dramatic here. I'm not suicidal at all. Life interests me enough to stick around, at least for the foreseeable future. I seek not the comforting assurances that I have it all wrong. I do not have it wrong.
No, I'd like to ponder some ideas for accepting that things are not going to get better. While all comers are welcome and their thoughts appreciated, I can't believe I'm the only one who has had to face this reality. I'd like to hear from others who have looked in the mirror and said this is it.
Welcome to middle age!
ReplyDeleteI don't know exactly how to deal with it (the issues you describe are some that I face as well) except to take advantage of the parts that are good.
For example, I find that I am less insecure about who I am now that I am older. I am more financially secure. I can slow down a little and not worry so much about "making it" professionally, even though I realize that some of my aspirations weren't achieved and probably will never be.
I too have family members and friends who have passed away. I find that befriending people younger than myself has worked well for me. I have some very stimulating friendships with younger people.
Life is a play, Pascal said, and the third act is always bloody. So what? We take the life we have, even if it includes gradual senescence.
I've always saw a way of dealing with let-downs in my life by constantly redefining what it means to be happy (shifting the goalposts, so to speak). It's cynical, yes, but that's a possible solution.
ReplyDeleteI can understand when a person arrives at a point in their lives when they know they may not be a rich NBA athlete or a golfer who plays in the Masters, or perhaps knowing that we'll never make it past the salary of $30,000 a year? You're talking to a person who has had to start over and over a few times here, so I get that there's got to be some reality in life. What about the concept as long as life is not worse it is already better?
ReplyDeleteYou may not want to hear about this BUT what about other aspects of life, relationships, love? What if in spite of fearing that life may not ever get better, suddenly it does, even for a nano-second? Is that possibility even worth risking our vulnerabilities, perhaps even a possible broken heart? Some of us may be adventurous and some of us aren't at all, some of us may be pessimistic and some of us are the "silver lining" kind of people; so this may not be easy for some to understand...different strokes for different folks!
hugs,pl