Grateful to Be Here

My life is of no tremendous importance.  Which isn't to say that there are not those who would miss me.  Perhaps even more than I think.  And I don't doubt that I've had a positive, uplifting influence on at least some of those around me.  I also am confident that I serve a good and usual purpose at work.  In many ways my second career as a financial controller is more influential than my first as a lawyer.  I manage crises, am relied on for counsel at work and in many instances am called upon to make significant decisions on my own.  More and more I have perceived that the owners appreciate being able to leave things in my hands when they want to vacation or are otherwise away.  So, no this isn't about recognizing some basic value.

At the same time, however, I'm someone of no exceptional importance.  As much as I offer, I'm replaceable at work.  I have no one who relies on me - no spouse, no child.  Yes, I help friends but I'm not fundamental to their lives.  In fact, I'm fairly certain that the harm I have done in life substantially outweighs the good.  My experiences in the darkness caused irreparable damage, even if at least some of those damaged have forgiven me.

Determining the value of my life, then, is very much reliant on my own estimation of my intrinsic worth, and by extension the worth of the life I'm living.  Not so very long ago, that estimation weighed heavily on the negative side of the ledger.  I was very close to taking my own life.  I'd been to the library to investigate the most effective and, more importantly, painless (I can't stand pain!) method to leave this world.  So much so that I'm now something of an authority on the subject.  I still have the rope I bought.  I was just that close.  And I believed, and continue to believe, that it was and is my right to make that most basic and personal decision.

But somehow I found that worth inside of myself.  Many in my audience (assuming I still have one) will find this hard to believe because it will seem counter intuitive to them, but accepting that I do not believe in god, that I am agnostic, even atheist, helped tremendously.  I discovered that the experience of life, the adventures of the next day, the next hike, the next movie, the next book, were both necessary and sufficient to make a life worth living.  I no longer looked to the future for a vaguely defined promise of happiness if I lived in just the right way now.  And that truly made all the difference.  So I am immensely grateful to still be here.  What I would have missed if I wasn't!

I ask that you be grateful to be here too.  Be grateful that you exist.  That you are.  No matter what harm you've caused.  No matter how dim the outlook seems, just try a little while longer.  Life might surprise you.  Your key might be your religious belief.  Or maybe your disbelief like it was for me.  No matter.  You might discover the worth that I did.  I can't promise that you will, but a decision to not be here is irreversible.  If you are tempted, just save that option for some time down the road.  For right now, stick around and just see what might happen.

And another thing, I took and passed a motorcycle safety class.  I have my permit and am just waiting for my paperwork to come to get my license.  Then I'm buying a small Harley Davidson.  If I had given up, I would have missed this!  (No leather though - gay leather biker dude stereotype is just a bridge too far for me).