Falling In Love With a Song

The MTC in January 1988.  I am back for my second round, the reasons for which I won't bother explaining now.  I'm lonely, scared and most all of very unsure of myself.  At this point in my life, I had admitted to myself, and remarkably even my parents, that I was gay, but I really thought of it in terms of sexual attraction alone.  I also knew that I was emotionally drawn to other guys, but I just couldn't tie the two together.  For a reasonably intelligent person, I sure seemed to be pretty thick.

At some point early on I found myself alone wandering the halls of the main administration building.  The building also had the rooms where the Sunday services for the branches were held.  And, of course, each of these rooms had a piano.  As I was walking down a hall, I heard the most beautiful piano music coming from one of the rooms.  I walked in and there was a missionary playing Jessica's Theme from the Man from Snowy River.  I had neither seen the film or heard the music before, but I was struck by how lovely and haunting it was.  

I came in, sat down and just listened.  He and I were the only ones in the room.  Which doesn't make a whole lot of sense.  If you were a missionary, or even know anything about missions, you know that a missionary is always supposed to be with his companion.  Both of our companions were absent for reasons that are unclear to me now.  But it worked out great.  Made for a quiet moment with beautiful, stirring music. I was entranced, by the music and frankly the missionary.  It has been 25 years and for the very first time I realize I fell in love with him.

He was an enigma.  Incredibly talented piano player. But almost a non-person, at least whenever I saw him.  He seemed to keep to himself.  He was the guy who used the disabled shower in the mornings when everyone else crowded around the tree of life.  He never really seemed to interact or socialize with anyone.  This young man was a believer in island living apparently.  In fact, I do not remember personally having so much as a single conversation with him.  Even when it was just the two of us appreciating his talents at the piano, I do not recall a word being spoken.

With all that, I still didn't connect my emotional attraction to him with my sexual attraction to other males.  I was convinced that the one (the sexual part) was inherently bad and the other (the emotional part) was just a emotional depth that I had that was unsual.  It did not occur to me that the two together might be the essence of who I was - at least not until 20+ years later.  That isn't to say that I don't have plenty of male friends today that are just that - friends - but who I also feel deeply for.  Rather, I now understand that the sexual interest combined with an emotional attaction, when it occurs, is a normal, healthy part of being me.

So today I still love the music, although I love it and almost all the music from that movie for the simple beauty they provide.  In fact, it has been many years since I have even thought of the young man, who is such a distant memory that I cannot recall so much as his name.  He is just one of the handful of crushes I had, and failed to explore or really even recognize, in my youth.  But a friend who is helping me relearn the piano is working with me on that very song.  And for whatever reason it has triggered memories of feelings from days long gone by.  I am left to wonder what might have been had I accepted myself as a complete person, with sexuality and emotion complementary and not mutually exclusive.  

All I have is the music.  And for that at least I am grateful to the mysterious young elder from another, much more confused life.