No Longer Willing to Fake It

At the outset, I would like to make clear that  while I am an atheist and completely and totally reject Mormon (and all other) theology including the concept of god(s), I am not an enemy of religion.  Notwithstanding my disagreement with the LDS church and my view that certain aspects of its teachings can be harmful, I am very grateful for the friendships and positive experiences I enjoyed throughout my life, in particular as a child and a teen.  I also appreciate the stability, foundation and purpose that religion provides in the lives of many.  Further, I believe the basic principles of an LDS teachings, truly lived, will lead to a good life and a good person.  It doesn't work for gay folk, but most folk aren't gay.

That said, I have always struggled with the pressure, and even need on my part, to conform.  To feel, think and act in the ways I was expected to.  In no aspect was that more true than with respect to my experiences in the temple.  From the very first time I attended that temple, I felt extremely uncomfortable.  Extremely.  But that's not what I was supposed to feel.  That was clear.  At most, I was permitted to be a bit confused at first.

And I tried.  I really did.  I would tell myself that I needed to be patient.  Calm my feelings.  Enjoy the beauty.  The thing is I never could.  There were a few times that I could kind of, sort of feel relaxed at the very end.  But I can't honestly say that I ever truly felt comfortable or had a spiritual experience.  Frankly, I just felt weird.  And dishonest every time I said "what a beautiful experience" just so I could feel like I fit in with the expectations and proclaimed experiences of those around me.

My mission was the same thing.  I never, ever felt comfortable saying "I know".  But anything less than that was simply not acceptable.  Missionaries were not permitted to hope, really want or even just believe it was all true.  I know was the only correct expression.  And I swallowed the "a testimony is gained in the bearing of it" nonsense - was this Packer or maybe McConkie?  Only now can I look back and see what utter folly that was.  Certainly if you say something over and over and over again, you may eventually come to believe it.  Even assuming good faith on the part of those trying to convince me, it was still simply brainwashing.

That has been the pattern of my life.  Be straight, act straight, date straight.  Be Mormon, act Mormon, talk Mormon.  Fake it until you make it.  Be patient and somehow miraculously it will all become true.

I really think I'm done with that now.  Being "done with it" doesn't mean that I will no longer make an effort to fit into my community.  To be a part of society, we have to accommodate the community around us, whether at work, in our neighborhood or even in our families.  But making those accommodations need not require us to deny who we truly are.  For instance, at work I neither hide nor proclaim my sexuality.  Some know I'm gay, some probably assume I am and others neither know nor care.  I try not to hide what I am and I try not to make what I am a particular point of emphasis.

Whatever else, I don't want to pretend that I'm having a spiritual experience when I am not.  I don't want to act like I'm a red-blooded straight American man when nothing could be further from the truth.  I will be who I am, believe what I believe, like what I like and make no excuses for any of it.  I have a long way to go to put that plan into action, but until I do I will not have truly accepted the gay, atheist, Lego-loving, Harley-riding, insecure loner that I am.