I've been mulling over this post for several weeks now. I wasn't sure what I really wanted to say for a while, and now that I have a good idea of my point, I'm not sure how to make it. But, I'll just throw caution to the wind. Come, let us reason together...
I wonder if I don't talk too much about being gay. I'm not speaking of announcing my gayness to the general population. This is something I do not do. And I do not have a lot of obviously gay characteristics. So, when I get to the pimply teenage worker at Taco Bell to order my meal, the first words out of my mouth are NOT "I would like a burrito, a taco and a large Mt. Dew (I love Mt. Dew!), and by the way I'm gay".
I refer to the act of making my homosexuality a constant topic of discussion with friends and family, practically all of whom know that I am gay. Lately I have thought how boring, annoying and, quite possibly, downright inappropriate it is for me to so regularly work a discussion of my sexuality into casual conversations like I do.
After all, do my heterosexual friends (which would be all of my friends to the best of my knowledge) constantly bring up their sexuality during conversations they have with me? No. That's a topic that comes up only rarely, and then only in the most confidential and private discussions. Yet, I really have noticed that I will bring up my being gay, and all things related thereto, at the drop of a hat.
Why do I do this? I think in part because I need to talk about it. I am still coming to grips with who I really am, and trying to find a way to like myself. I also think that I say certain things for the shock value, because I enjoy the reaction I sometimes get. In addition, I can't overstate the importance to me of finally being honest and open and forcing people to basically accept me - or not - for who I am. Putting my homosexuality on the table is my way of testing friends and family to see whether they really care, really love me and really accept me. Yes, I do have a nasty habit of testing people.
In defense of myself (because someone has to defend me), I suggest that being gay and from a very conservative, narrow and (sadly, tragically and ironically) sometimes intolerant religious tradition provides justification for making clear that I am in fact human, that I do exist and that I have feelings, fears, concerns, hopes and dreams that are worthy of and entitled to respect and dignity. We MoHos exist, much to disgust of some, the discomfort of many and the confused bewilderment of even the most good-hearted, members of the LDS flock. Making our existence clear is the only way to change hearts and minds.
Still, I think I overdo it. It is the height of narcissism to assume that I am somehow entitled to make my sexuality, or any other aspect of me for that matter, the center of every or even most conversations. I am NOT suggesting that this unique and fundamental part of me should NEVER be a part of a conversation, or that I should never relate my experiences as a gay man of LDS heritage to my family and friends. Again, hearts and minds and all that. But, simple courtesy and a decent respect for the feelings of my friends and family suggests to me that those opportunities should be mostly initiated by THEIR inquiries, and only brought up by me in the most appropriate of circumstances. Otherwise, I become an inconsiderate conversationalist and risk diluting the importance of the topic by repetition.
I wonder if I don't talk too much about being gay. I'm not speaking of announcing my gayness to the general population. This is something I do not do. And I do not have a lot of obviously gay characteristics. So, when I get to the pimply teenage worker at Taco Bell to order my meal, the first words out of my mouth are NOT "I would like a burrito, a taco and a large Mt. Dew (I love Mt. Dew!), and by the way I'm gay".
I refer to the act of making my homosexuality a constant topic of discussion with friends and family, practically all of whom know that I am gay. Lately I have thought how boring, annoying and, quite possibly, downright inappropriate it is for me to so regularly work a discussion of my sexuality into casual conversations like I do.
After all, do my heterosexual friends (which would be all of my friends to the best of my knowledge) constantly bring up their sexuality during conversations they have with me? No. That's a topic that comes up only rarely, and then only in the most confidential and private discussions. Yet, I really have noticed that I will bring up my being gay, and all things related thereto, at the drop of a hat.
Why do I do this? I think in part because I need to talk about it. I am still coming to grips with who I really am, and trying to find a way to like myself. I also think that I say certain things for the shock value, because I enjoy the reaction I sometimes get. In addition, I can't overstate the importance to me of finally being honest and open and forcing people to basically accept me - or not - for who I am. Putting my homosexuality on the table is my way of testing friends and family to see whether they really care, really love me and really accept me. Yes, I do have a nasty habit of testing people.
In defense of myself (because someone has to defend me), I suggest that being gay and from a very conservative, narrow and (sadly, tragically and ironically) sometimes intolerant religious tradition provides justification for making clear that I am in fact human, that I do exist and that I have feelings, fears, concerns, hopes and dreams that are worthy of and entitled to respect and dignity. We MoHos exist, much to disgust of some, the discomfort of many and the confused bewilderment of even the most good-hearted, members of the LDS flock. Making our existence clear is the only way to change hearts and minds.
Still, I think I overdo it. It is the height of narcissism to assume that I am somehow entitled to make my sexuality, or any other aspect of me for that matter, the center of every or even most conversations. I am NOT suggesting that this unique and fundamental part of me should NEVER be a part of a conversation, or that I should never relate my experiences as a gay man of LDS heritage to my family and friends. Again, hearts and minds and all that. But, simple courtesy and a decent respect for the feelings of my friends and family suggests to me that those opportunities should be mostly initiated by THEIR inquiries, and only brought up by me in the most appropriate of circumstances. Otherwise, I become an inconsiderate conversationalist and risk diluting the importance of the topic by repetition.
I know with my few friends who know I'm gay, and who are non active or non members, I like to talk about sexual things all the time.
ReplyDeleteWith member friend who knows, it is an occasional topic, but mostly not talked about (because I avoid the subject due to not wanting to always be talking about it).
With my parents it is a subject i avoid like the plague, frankly because its my parents and I don't wanna talk about sexual things. lol
I've gotten to the point where pretty much all my friends and family know. I've found that as that's happened, the need to talk about it has diminished. It seems like when you have very few outlets for expressing your sexuality you tend to take full advantage of the opportunites that do exist and so it becomes like a hose with your thumb on the end.
ReplyDelete