Words and Their Meaning

I had a lovely evening with my family tonight.  My oldest brother's family was up from the East Bay for the day.  His two boys spent the afternoon with my other brother's four kids.  So, my sister-in-law had six house apes between the ages of 5 and 11 all day long.  Everyone had great fun from all appearances.  A good day.  We really don't get together like we should, especially since my mom passed in 2002.  The day was capped of by Chinese food with the whole gang, and a quick trip to my house to see the pups that my nieces and nephews love.

Four of the little folks rode with me from the restaurant to my house.  I love them all to death, but man are they loud.  Everyone talking at once, and frankly all of it nonsense.  In other words, they are ordinary, normal kids.

However, during the babbling, the word "faggot" was thrown out on several instances.  Each time I heard it I cringed.  While I'm certain they don't really even appreciate what the word means, it still hurt on some level.  For the record, I don't think they know that I am gay.  If they do it is in the most tangential way; perhaps they have overheard a few conversations I have had with the adults in my family.  Like having the news on in the background while otherwise engaged - you hear but don't really hear.

I said nothing.  I didn't know what to say.  I'm not worried about them knowing I am gay.  I am what I am after all. And there are some very unappealing bits of my life that I'm much more worried about them knowing.  But, as I've mentioned before, I think they are a little young to have that discussion with me.  And, especially at their age, I think their parents ought to be the ones doing the explaining.  Now, it would be something different if they were 16 and wanted to talk about it.  At that point, they are essentially adults and I think a conversation would be appropriate.

Which also made me think of a noteworthy event involving my 7 year old nephew from last week.  I went out to dinner with his family (ironically at the same Chinese restaurant!) earlier in the week.  N asked to borrow my iPhone. He always likes to play with it - in fact I often end up with random new apps courtesy of him.  While he was messing around with it, he accessed the YouTube application.  I had recently done a search on "gay coming out" stories or something like that.  (I like to hear about people who figured it all out much younger than I did).  So, he taps me on the shoulder and shows me the search with a perplexed look on his face.  I basically shrugged and said "yeah" and played it off.  He then thought a second and said "cool" and went on his merry way.

What to make of all this?  I have no idea.  I just needed to relate what happened and maybe just express how frustrated I am by life.  I know the sun doesn't shine on the same dogs ass every day (from Hoosiers, one of my favorite movies), but there are times when I really grow tired of being so different.  Much of my separateness is my own doing, but being gay has been the challenge of my life.  And it wears me out sometimes.