If I could make myself not gay, would I?
I wish the answer to that question was no. Unfortunately, it is a resounding, confident YES.
I would love to be able to say to myself and everyone around me that I am happy being who I am. The lack of that self-acceptance has ruined my life and harmed those around me. But, to me, the life of a heterosexual is so much easier and vastly more appealing. First, you "fit" with society. Second, it's easier to find a companion. Face it, even the extremely unattractive heterosexual has an excellent chance of finding someone. Third, you get to have the goodies. Things like a family, soccer games, noodle salad in the park, etc., etc., etc. Fourth, the people around you don't have that uncomfortable feeling that comes with not really knowing how to relate - even among the kindest hearted, best intentioned. Fifth, well I could go on forever (and often do!).
Point is, I want a different life. And I can't have it. And because of my choices in life, I can't even have a cheap substitute for it. And I'm feeling sorry for myself. Which is essentially pointless.
I understand where you are coming from. (((((hugs))))) Every point you made is something that I myself have thought about.
ReplyDeleteI recently watched the third X-Man movie where Rogue goes and gets injected with the "cure" to get rid of her super-power. I have seen the movie several times and hated her for wanting to be different from who she is, but lately I have been recognizing that I am not so different from her...
I do think though that working towards self-acceptance is really important and something that I work towards.
Oh my friend,
ReplyDeleteI feel your pain, I am sending you a big hug. It isn't all lost, there are ways to have that life, you'd be very surprised that the life you wish for is really not there for many people, even those that might be seemingly living it before your very eyes... We need to get you out here to at least visit the mohos one of these days soon! Don't make me come get you! :-)
hugs (again),pl