A Gay Man And the All Encompassing Mormon Culture

Mormonism is not a passive religion.  In fact Mormonism is a complete cultural identity.  And it's that identity that is so difficult to reconcile with a homosexual reality.

I am old enough to remember the pre-block days.  The term "block" probably has no current usage in the church.  However, I turned 12 five months after the Church shifted to the consolidated schedule that it now follows.  For me, primary was Tuesday afternoon at about 4:00 p.m.  There were never any men there since all the dads worked during the day.  Church on Sundays was an all day affair, with Sacrament twice a day (I'm remember this correctly, right?).  Priesthood holders had priesthood meeting early in the morning, Sunday School came later in the morning with a return for Sacrament Meeting in the afternoon.

I also recall that during my childhood there was much more emphasis on the ward "family".  It seems to me that much more time was spent together as such.  There were several events a month at the building, with mutual and primary and whatever else sprinkled throughout the week.  Plus, bishops and stake presidents served forever - none of the this 5/10 year term stuff.

Even with the reduced demands of the block, as a teenager I remained immersed in all encompassing cultural milieu that made one Mormon.  Early morning seminar.  Mutual during the week.  Firesides on Sunday nights.  Scout camp and other summer activities such as a three week trip to the Philmont scout ranch with all the Eagle scouts from my stake.

Secular high school was also colored by Mormonism.  I think my experience may have been a bit unique in that regard.  There were perhaps 30 active LDS kids at my suburban, Northern California high school.  A small minority, but large enough to have some strength in numbers.  One of the benefits of those strengths was a certain connection across all grades, from the lowliest freshman to the "mature" senior.  There was traditional teasing and whatnot, but for the most part the Mormon kids looked out for each other.  There was even an unofficial Mormon lawn area where the Mormon kids and their friends would eat lunch and talk.

By 14 I knew I was gay.  I knew I liked other boys.  Not sure I appreciated it fully, but I recognized that it had moved beyond the sweet innocent crushes I had at 12 to a fully realized adolescent sexual longing.  But there was no way that I could really admit that to anyone.  As I grew older, I told my parents and a couple of friends, but really there was never a discussion about it.  For example, I literally had to tell one friend to please not change in front of me - he didn't seem to even appreciate that it was the equivalent to me of one of his female friends changing in front of him.  I didn't come out to most of my friends until I was forced out through extremely bad choices in my mid-30s.  

I recall talking to one friend in particular.  He and a few other high school buddies had come home from Zion for our 20 year high school reunion.  I provided the housing since I was the only one left here at that point.  We had a great time golfing and eating and generally goofing off.  At one point the topic turned to my sexuality and then current predicament. This friend appeared a little perplexed about how I had ended up where I was.  I just looked at him and said "well, what was I supposed to do in high school - how could I have even talked to you about this?"  He thought a moment and just nodded his head.  Some things just really are impossible.  Some challenges don't have solutions.

All of this matters because I sometimes get the impression that people outside of Mormon culture don't fully appreciate what it is to be gay and from a Mormon tradition.  It goes well beyond fear of disappointing parents and other family members.  Accepting one's homosexuality means rejecting an essence that was a lifetime in the making.  Maybe a California life, with its inhabitants' often casual approach to just about everything including religion, amplifies the bewilderment.  Religion in the California Republic is frequently treated like a suit of clothes - people tend to try different ones on until they find one that "fits" them.  Or more often than not skip the suit entirely and go with shorts and a t-shirt. 

Whatever it is, I often feel like people think "ok, just come out and live your life already."  But it just isn't that easy.  For all the wonderful things being Mormon brought me as a youth, and I truly recognize how very many there were, the indoctrination, the expectation that my life would be exactly one thing with a proper family and proper feelings, are not so readily shaken.  Having been taught that there is a god, and then told that the only way to go to Heaven is to precisely follow the Church's teachings, it's more than a small challenge to accept one's homosexuality.  Leaving Mormonism isn't like moving out of a neighborhood.  You don't just pick up stakes and move on.

And another thing:  Don't knock California until you've enjoyed an 80 degree day in the middle of March.