I've been thinking a lot lately about how I am going to end up in life. I am the youngest child in my family, and one of my fears is that I will be left to live out my last days alone in some facility alone and forgotten. So, my heart yearns for someone to feel a passion for. To be totally and completely in love with. To look at and have such an overwhelming sense of well being that my heart feels like it will explode with gratitude. To take care of.
Let's set aside my age, my pear-shape, my balding pate, and the results of decisions which make such a relationship highly unlikely. If I was 28, beautiful and free of the baggage I've accumulated, would I ever feel comfortable in a relationship with another man?
I am on a mini-vacation in the California mid-altitude Sierra Nevadas. I am truly enjoying myself and am with wonderful, loyal friends. An old colleague is letting us use his home here. It is large and comfortable and the company is good. All of my fellow vacationers are LDS, married, close to married or too young to be married. Among them is a friend I have known since I taught him Sunday School and was his young mens president. He is now married and has two children. These are the closest people in my life outside of family, and I'm not sure that I am really closer to family.
They are all straight. At least so far as I can tell, and I think I can now recognize most of the signs. And I think they are all aware that I am gay. Well, the adults anyway. However, it is an unspoken subject. I can't help but make jokes from time to time about my orientation, but they are under my breath. The only one of the group I can truly be open with about it is the young man from sunday school/priesthood.
So, here's what is bothering me:
First, as much as these people love me and I love them, and as much as I am confident that they do not think less of me because I am gay, I also feel like virtually all of them would be unable to handle me with another man. I just do not think that they could accept me saying "well, here is the room Steve and I will be sharing". Again, not a one of them would be mean about it. It would just be too hard for them. And I would fade from their lives because of the discomfort. This loss would be almost unbearable to me.
Second, I'm not sure I could ever be comfortable being with another man. And I'm not talking about sex. I'm talking about an open, loving, committed relationship. My religious and social environment so drove it into my mind that such a thing is wrong, sick, perverted, immoral, etc. that I fear that I could never be comfortable with it. I did not grow up as a part of the "Will and Grace" generation. Talk show hosts and actors were not publically out. And I'm not a big change person. Which is why my first concern is such a dilemna: Losing those relationships is a change.
It all does make me so sad sometimes. Not all the time. But sometimes, deeply so. Then I make it worse by listening to some stereotypical sad song from the Carpenters or some other group. (Show tunes and sad songs - really my only obviously gay characteristics.)
Does anyone else struggle with this? If you are in the under 30 crowd, is it easier for you?
Let's set aside my age, my pear-shape, my balding pate, and the results of decisions which make such a relationship highly unlikely. If I was 28, beautiful and free of the baggage I've accumulated, would I ever feel comfortable in a relationship with another man?
I am on a mini-vacation in the California mid-altitude Sierra Nevadas. I am truly enjoying myself and am with wonderful, loyal friends. An old colleague is letting us use his home here. It is large and comfortable and the company is good. All of my fellow vacationers are LDS, married, close to married or too young to be married. Among them is a friend I have known since I taught him Sunday School and was his young mens president. He is now married and has two children. These are the closest people in my life outside of family, and I'm not sure that I am really closer to family.
They are all straight. At least so far as I can tell, and I think I can now recognize most of the signs. And I think they are all aware that I am gay. Well, the adults anyway. However, it is an unspoken subject. I can't help but make jokes from time to time about my orientation, but they are under my breath. The only one of the group I can truly be open with about it is the young man from sunday school/priesthood.
So, here's what is bothering me:
First, as much as these people love me and I love them, and as much as I am confident that they do not think less of me because I am gay, I also feel like virtually all of them would be unable to handle me with another man. I just do not think that they could accept me saying "well, here is the room Steve and I will be sharing". Again, not a one of them would be mean about it. It would just be too hard for them. And I would fade from their lives because of the discomfort. This loss would be almost unbearable to me.
Second, I'm not sure I could ever be comfortable being with another man. And I'm not talking about sex. I'm talking about an open, loving, committed relationship. My religious and social environment so drove it into my mind that such a thing is wrong, sick, perverted, immoral, etc. that I fear that I could never be comfortable with it. I did not grow up as a part of the "Will and Grace" generation. Talk show hosts and actors were not publically out. And I'm not a big change person. Which is why my first concern is such a dilemna: Losing those relationships is a change.
It all does make me so sad sometimes. Not all the time. But sometimes, deeply so. Then I make it worse by listening to some stereotypical sad song from the Carpenters or some other group. (Show tunes and sad songs - really my only obviously gay characteristics.)
Does anyone else struggle with this? If you are in the under 30 crowd, is it easier for you?
To preface, I am 26. For me personally, I don't think it's necessarily easier. It's just different. Yes, being gay is a much more accepted thing. I watched Will and Grace. I love Ellen. I love that there have been such strong people to pave the way for being gay to be portrayed in some ways as just...ordinary. That is very nice and I know it's helped me in accepting myself. It's easier to see that I can be who I am and the world won't end.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately, that's a big argument for the LDS world. It's just another sign of this Last Days World, Satan with his reign over the hearts of man, and how dangerous it is to be tolerant of wicked things.
If I was outside that LDS world, perhaps then it would be easier.
BTW, I'm also terrified of losing my family in the very way you describe and I'm terrible with change. I find change is easier to deal with if you have a hand in creating it.
I love your blog!
I think it probably is easier for me, but I agree with drakames that is it not easy for anybody raised in the LDS Church to be in a committed, stable same-sex relationship, at first. I had the biggest reservations about it all. I was raised to think that being in a same-sex relationship would ultimately lead to misery, pain, sorrow, etc. I honestly believed that for so many years.
ReplyDeleteWhat I did not realize at the time, was that being alone or attempting to date girls was the real definition of misery. I honestly could not love anybody (including my family) until I had actually been in love with someone. I thought that I had loved people before, but once I experienced it for myself, it was like, "wow, I think this is why people get married." Up until that point, I always assumed Mormons got married because it was part of "God's plan" or something like that. I now believe it comes naturally, when we allow it.
Of course being in a relationship has cost me some friendships, but it is worth losing every single one of them to truly find myself and that special someone in my life. Plus, I have to wonder if the "real" friends are the ones who are too uncomfortable with who I am to love me for who I am and to not judge. I say, do what is best for you.
Having witnessed this in my own family with my little brother, you would likely be more distanced from some friends and family.
ReplyDeletePart of the reason I came out to my family was to help them understand and more fully embrace my brother and his partner. It has helped some.
It would definitely be a sorting process.
i sometimes feel the same way.
ReplyDelete