Who Am I? 42 Years of Not Figuring it Out

I have no real idea of who I am.  Well, I guess that isn't exactly true.  I know a bit about who I am, but I've only learned the small amount I know in the last few years.  There are many things in my life that I have enjoyed, experiences that have been unique and fulfilling and certainly friendships and family relationships that have been wonderful.  But I still really don't know who I am.

When I was a teenager, I received a note from a friend who was a few years older.  He was just leaving on a mission and wanted to share a few thoughts with me.  

A little background is in order here.  To my knowledge, I am the only gay person in my circle of buddies.  And most of my friends were manly men and womanly women.  But we were unique in one respect.  We were surprisingly open about our feelings and affection for each other.  It was not unusual to express how much we cared about each other.  There were even occasional hugs! So, it was not particularly surprising or unusual to receive a serious note from a friend.

I do not remember much about the note, and am sure I no longer have it although as I grew older, I tended to save absolutely everything.  What I do remember is his comment that I seemed to spend much of my time "trying on personalities".  Even then, that observation disturbed me.  Was I incapable of being myself?  The answer was, of course, yes.  Because I was gay and Mormon and couldn't think of anything worse than the world finding that out.

And so it continued for the next 20+ years.  Me never really knowing who I was or t I wanted to be.  I became a lawyer because my family already had a physician, two CPAs and a college professor.  The law seemed what was left.  I lived in my home town because that's where my family was.  I never really gave serious thought to going anywhere else.  I stayed LDS because that was my background, despite my secret agnostic beliefs.  I said what I was supposed to say and at least appeared to do what I was supposed to do.

I realize that I even speak using other people's words.  Or more specifically, expressions from movies.  I was watching the 1980 film Brubaker last night and head one of the characters say that "what we do have here is a piss poor attitude".  I have used the expression "piss poor" from the time I heard it in that movie.  I even shortened it.   In high school, I would tell my surly friends that they were in a "PP".

Then my world came crashing down.  And out of disaster, pain and damage to myself and others I finally started to learn who I am and accept what I believe, or more precisely what I don't believe.  It just makes me sad that it took trauma and acts of selfishness on my part to destroy the old me, with significant collateral damage to others, to get here.  I will not say that I wasted the first 37 years of my life.  But, my, what a wonderful life I could have had.  What good I could have done in the world.  What a different person I would be.  If only I had at least started to figure it out when I was young.

I admire you, my young MOHO friends.  Active in the church or out of the church, believer or atheist, hetero marriage or homo relationship or no relationship.  You guys and gals may not have it all together (who does?), but with all the struggles and grief and pain I see in your lives, at the very least you are figuring yourself out.  You inspire me with your awesomeness!  And you older MOHOs are pretty cool too.