As Difficult As It Is, It Might be Time

I WROTE THIS ABOUT TWO MONTHS AGO.  I’M NOT SURE I FEEL ANYWHERE NEAR AS STRONGLY ABOUT IT AS I DID THEN.  BUT I NEEDED TO WRITE IT THEN, AND I SHARE IT NOW FOR REFLECTION AND, IF THE READER IS INTERESTED, COMMENT:

This post represents my thinking on what is one of the most difficult, and painful, decisions that I have ever needed to make.  While it will not change my life in any day-to-day sense, it represents a final break from the Church and all that entails.

First off, I do want to be clear that it has nothing to do with Elder Packer.  I consider him to be of little to no consequence in life.  Just another close-minded anti-gay bigot in a world full of them.  Plus, I give him something of a pass because of the environment he was doubtless raised in, the cloistered life he has lived and his advanced age.  No, it’s not Elder Packer.

The final straw for me relates to a straight friend and his recent experience in a disciplinary council.  Right off the bat, I will say that I have been the subject of such a council, and was disfellowshipped.  Virtually all of the folks who read this blog come from LDS backgrounds and know what that means.  For the few who are unfamiliar with LDS culture, I am a member of the LDS church, but not in good standing.

I will not share even the basics of my friend’s situation in order to protect his privacy.  All I will say is that he is straight and so it has nothing to do with homosexuality.  The end result for him was excommunication.  I was shocked.  Totally stunned.  Here is one of the very best people I know.  Good hearted.  Stood by me through some real ugliness when others went running away as fast as they could.  Served faithfully in every calling and did everything he was asked.  And the church is driving him away.

Oh, of course the members of the council professed love.  And I don’t doubt they meant it.  But in my long journey towards absolute honesty with myself concerning the nature of life and my skepticism of the supernatural, be it Catholicism, Mormonism, Islam, Wiccan (my apologies to Christine O’Donnell), the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy or you name whatever superstition there is, I do not believe that this decision was “inspired” in anyway.  In my view, the decision was not inspired by God, because I do not believe there is a participatory God (and doubt there is any God at all) to inspire.

In truth, the outcome for my friend and me should have been reversed by any reasonable evaluation of the nature of the “sin” and the harm caused thereby.  So, what I’m left with is a good, honest man who turned out to be human and a group of individuals who decided, again with what I think were the best of intentions, to cast him out of their fellowship at the very moment when he needed support and compassion.

I have hesitated to take affirmative action to permanently break from the Church for a variety of reasons.  Family tradition, the hurt to family and friends it will cause and the love I still retain for my heritage and much of what I grew up with.  Even laziness has played a roll.  But I feel like a hypocrite.  Not that the Church is overly anxious to keep me around anyway.  Just trust me on that one.

I have been thinking about it for some time.  At least a year or two.  The thinking has gone on long enough.  It’s time for some doing.  Even knowing that it is the right thing to do, I’m still broken hearted.  I feel for my friend who was cast adrift.  I feel for the friends and family who will undoubtedly be deeply sad.  I feel for myself and the hole that will be left once the separation is complete.  How do I adjust to the removal of a label that has defined my everything for almost all of my life?  My Mormon friends understand, I think, exactly what I mean.  This might be the very hardest decision I have ever made.