I’m writing this on the last day of a 3 night cruise from Long Beach, California to Ensenada, Mexico. My entire office, as well as spouses where applicable, are here. We had a good year and this cruise was the owners’ reward. Plus, the idea was to promote a little camaraderie among the troops. We see so much of each other during the day, but work is really such an artificial environment. It’s almost impossible to really get to know who someone is at work, so this was our chance to become better friends.
I would rate the trip a 7. An 8, maybe even a 9, in that the company is good and I would say it is generally accomplishing its goal of creating more familiarity. But I have to take a point or two off because (1) the cruise line is Carnival – you know what I mean if you have cruised before, (2) Ensenada really is kind of a s$*% hole, and (3) the weather has been less than perfect.
Now this isn’t a travel log, although there are stories to tell there for sure. No, this whole “getting to know you” business brings up the old, tired "out or not out at work” debate. I was laying in my room last night after an evening of making merry (me on the dance floor, a very, very painful sight) reflecting on a pleasant, interesting evening and waiting for room service to bring me a little midnight snack. I thought about how comfortable I was with my colleagues and their spouses and the generally warm feelings I have towards them. I was considering how I believed that they shared those same sentiments towards me.
And for the very first time, I wondered if they would feel the same way if they knew I was gay. Now, I’m fairly confident that they would be polite and friendly and would say all the right things. I don’t think I would be harassed, made fun of (at least not to my face), subjected to cruelty or any of that. Even if the inclination was there, which I do not believe it is, I sincerely doubt that in this day, in the liberal State of California, any of them would openly express it.
I should state that there is one member of the staff who asked me a few years back why I didn’t see myself getting married and I was direct in telling her I was gay. She has seemed fine with it. In fact I’m convinced she is since we work together very closely. But her personality is very different from the other folks I work with. I should also disclose that the the brother of the two owners of the business is gay. So, no, I really don’t think there would be any obvious negative consequences.
No, I’m thinking of the more subtle, intangible consequences associated with my being open and out at work. For the very first time, I considered whether I would simply be left out of certain conversations. Or perhaps the talk around me would be more circumspect. Or maybe the slap on the back and other casually friendly physical interactions would disappear. In my evaluation, all of these things could very very easily occur.
Simply put, I do not want them too. It is possible maybe probable, that I’m inventing things that are not there. But I believe I have seen these slight, nuanced changes with my personal friends. To be sure they have been matters of minor degree and slightly modified interaction than any great seismic shift.
However, I don’t want it to happen. I don’t want to be the “different” one. And that makes me a coward. And that keeps me in the closet. And that, on top of other significant challenges, sucks.
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