Of my many flaws, I think this is the one most fatal: I cannot let the past go. Now, I realize most of us ponder our past, think about the "what ifs" of life, consider what might have happened had we made different choices. Nothing wrong with that provided it's properly balanced with consideration of the present and thoughts of the future.
Me, I can't let go of the regrets, mistakes and lost opportunities of the past. Naturally, like everyone, I have to live with the consequences of poor choices and bad decisions. I realize no one escapes that. But I feel so bad about my present and am not really optimistic about my future, or even that there will be all that much time left in my future, that I fall back into a pit of despair over what might have been.
I so wish that I could have grown up in a time and environment which would have allowed me to pursue my natural romantic and sexual desires. I would have gotten so much more out of my life. I would have avoided the heartache that came from being unable to consider, much less really pursue, a relationship. Maybe most of all, being myself as a teenager would have made a huge difference in who I became as a man; so much damage to myself, and more importantly others, would have been avoided.
All of which I have whined about before. I am a reasonably intelligent person. I know it is worthless to dwell on such things. And yet, here it is, 2:00 a.m. on a Sunday morning, and I can't stop thinking about it. I am filled with pain and regret with absolutely no point. I can do nothing about the past; I can only try to make the best of what future I have left.
Why can't I just get on with it already? I am haunted by what cannot be changed.
I really don't think that we can ever leave the past behind us. I used to think that we could but I really believe that everyone to one degree or another is haunted by times gone by.
ReplyDeleteI am also starting to realize that when we look back at the past we are not even remembering or seeing how things really and truly were. All of the experiences we have had since that time kind of get in the way and filter it. Often how we see the past is more a reflection on our present selves...
I still can't seem to get it together and talk to people I am interested in... For me a step toward that is just getting used to talking to strangers first.
I know I don't know you in real life, but I am sure that you have been through a lot. Be kind to yourself my friend! (((((((HUGS)))))))
PS - I am taking a road trip this summer... I am coming to your side of the country in June or July.
I feel much the same way about my past, in fact I posted about it again today. Know that we as a community care for you. Feel free to drop me an email if you want. Hugs, Brad
ReplyDelete@Kiley - Yes indeed, memory does tend to distort our past. Perhaps it's what keeps us sane. It definitely explains why adults tend to speak with fondness of their youth, while all but the most popular kids tend to complain of some miserable times. And, if you come this way without a visit, I will be very upset. In fact, I have a guest bedroom that gets little use. I insist you take advantage of it. Can't wait to have my if I was straight girlfriend here!
ReplyDelete@Mohoguy/Brad - Thanks for the warm thoughts. Don't be surprised if I take you up on that e-mail offer someday. I do realize I'm not alone in having these feelings. Still, there are times they truly overwhelm me.
I'm not sure you're giving yourself credit for all you've accomplished and done with your life. Sure who doesn't have regrets and would do things different if given the chance to do things all over gain and knowing what we know now? Wish we lived closer my friend!
ReplyDeleteHugs,Miguel
I know what its like to hold on so tightly to the past that you forget to live in the present. What I do to help myself not get depressed about the "what ifs" of my past is I try to remember the good things I have accomplished. I have accepted that I cannot change anything that has already happened, but I can change what WILL happen. When you live in the past you end up ruining your own future. I know things may look hopeless now but maybe you should try looking at it in a different way. You're alive! You have your whole life ahead of you. You can do anything you want! The only person that can stop you from doing what you want to do is you. I have only recently discovered this and now I am doing things I've always told myself, "Oh I can't do that". Now when I want to try something I simply say "why not?" Try something new, you never know what new things you can discover about yourself. Good luck my friend!
ReplyDelete-Mimi