Yes, I Miss Being a Real Mormon

No, in fact, I no longer believe Mormon theology. Or in God in general. In truth, I never really have. I do not miss the internal struggle or doubt. The crises of conscience that came from being a missionary and Sunday School teacher who desperately wanted what he was saying to be true, but never really felt it in his heart. All of which I have written about previously, so will not be unnecessarily repetitive here.

I do, however, miss being a part of the Mormon "family". In my opinion, this is the very best part of the Church. I am old enough to remember vividly "pre-block" days, when being LDS meant at least two, three if you were old enough, trips to the chapel on Sunday. When primary was on Tuesday or Wednesday afternoon around 3:30, with nary a man in sight because the dads were all still at work. The ward parties, Gold and Green Balls, breakfasts, welfare farm work projects, etc., etc., etc. Even today, being LDS is more than a religion. It's an entire culture and lifestyle. And I miss it very much.

Most of all, I am grateful for what it offered me as a youth. I was a very geeky, insecure teenager. No self confidence at all. Lucky for me, I fell into a ward and stake with amazingly accepting youth. The group I hung around with in high school ran the gamut, from geeky me to the varsity basketball team star. What's more, there was a bond among the Mormon kids that bridged age differences. It was common and very accepted in my school for a senior to be kind, friendly and even (gasp) recognize the existence of a freshman.

I recognize that this made us cliquey and insular. Had we really lived our religion better we would have been more inclusive of non-members. I also acknowledge that the pain of my closeted homosexuality was made worse by my religious background.

But I'm still grateful because without that group of people, several of whom I number among my best friends even today (see Derek's comment to a prior post), I doubt I would have survived high school. I needed so desperately to be loved and accepted. And I was. And that is why, despite all of the struggles I have with the Church and its unrealistic and sometimes cruel stance towards homosexuals, I will always think of myself as Mormon and will never forget what a blessing that was as youth.

So, thank you LDS Church. I disagree with you profoundly, but like a child who finally discovers that his parents are indeed imperfect humans, will always think of you fondly.